Ewwwwww ew ew ew ewwwww ew ew ew ew. EW!
Alright. Last night around 2:30am I came down with a wicked case of the itchies from the millions of mosquito bites I got this weekend. Not wanting to wake Ben up, I tiptoed out of the bedroom and to the living room couch where I could spread out, scritch-scratch as needed, and try and get some sleep.
Just as I got settled in though, I heard a scraping noise in the hallway by our bedroom about 15 feet away.
ummmmmmmm…
Then I heard it again – like someone dragging a gloved finger across the wall -now 10 feet away and to my left.
UMMMMMMMMM…
Almost immediately the sound came again! This time 5 feet away and to my right!!
BAAAAAAAAAAABE!!!!! 
"Who?! Wah!? Huh?!" I heard my hubby exclaim as he woke up, realized I wasn’t next to him and tried to figure out what the heck was going on!
I frantically flipped on ALL the surrounding lights and met him as he came stumbling out of the bedroom door and into the hallway – the site of the original sound.
"Baaaabe! I heard a freaky ass scratch on the wall here, then there, then down there!!" finally pointing to the staircase leading down to the basement – the only dark place left in the vicinity at that point.
"WHHHAAAA??? What was it?! Should I get my baseball bat??"
"I don’t know! Yeah…"
"Ok, hang on!" (runs to get the bat we keep tucked under the side of the bed.)
With the metal bar cocked in the ready position, we tiptoed to the top of the basement stairs and gingerly flipped on the light…
GAAAASP – AHHHHH!!!!
A FRIGGIN’ BAAAAT!!! Spreading its disgusting bat wings, as it swooped down from the ceiling light at the bottom of the stairs into the open basement door in front of it!! Baaaaaaaarf!!! Barf barf barf barf barf!!!!!!
I will NEH-ver get the image of its fully-spread, crescent mooned-cut wings, tiny grey head and sickening furry body out of my head. I want to shampoo my eyeballs.
"OMG WHAT are we going to do?!" I screamed after we raced down after it to slam the basement door shut, thus trapping it inside!
"To the interwebs!" Ben exclaimed.
And so we sat, huddled over the laptop on the couch, researching ways to get this sucker OUT OF OUR HOUSE, as it thrashed against the basement door 5 feet away – thump, thump, thump, thud, thud, thud.
Yes, OMG. I swear it was so awful.
Anyways, to summarize our findings: Rabies. Colonies. Lethal. Leave it to the experts. AWESOME.
It was nearly impossible to get back to sleep knowing that a winged rodent was in our home, touching our stuff, getting its evil bat juju everywhere – AND knowing there was nothing we could do nothing about it. I think I might have only gotten about 1 more hour of sleep.
I called the local bat man (heh) ASAP this morning, but he can’t come out until this evening to extract our guest. Knowing that it’s down there (and still hearing it flutter against the door!!) has left me ducking for cover at each shadow I see and gingerly turning each corner I come to, not knowing what could potentially dive bomb my head at any moment.
"They go for the hair, you know. It’ll get allll up in there, first thing. You should really be wearing a hat if you’re inside." my Dad told me.
Gee, thanks Dad. Super helpful. 
ANYWAYS, Ben and I were both too exhausted (and frankly nauseated) to cook anything tonight, so we ordered in. Monterrey (kind of) makes everything better!
Cheese Enchiladas, a Beef Taco and Rice – let me lose myself in your deliciousness!
Alright – back to man the the bat door until bat man comes over.
Cross your fingers that our friend doesn’t have any family lurking in the attic!!
ps no bats were harmed in the making of this blog post. I know bats are our friends and eat bugs and such, and it’s probably more scared of us than we are of it, but seriously – gross.
7/7 update: The Batman came last night, and DID NOT find our bat. 
What he DID find, though, was the point of entry – underneath our back deck which leads right into our basement. There was "evidence" of bat activity at the site (which our batman rolled and crushed in his fingers to show me bug pieces in it – totally disgusting) which means Lord only knows how long and how MANY bats have been coming and going.
Groooss!!!
At any rate, Batman installed a one-way tube at the entry point, so no additional bats can get in, but all the bats that are already inside can get out. We are keeping the basement door firmly shut until they have all had a chance to find said tube. Which better be ASAP. Mama’s got laundry to do. Plus my hand weights are down there. And my exercise ball. MTC.
~~~~~
Have you ever had an unwelcome encounter with the animal kind?
I’m shocked at all the bat hate out there! They’re just wild animals trying to do their own thing. I once volunteered with a bat rescue, and they’re really not that “gross!”
That said, rabies is a real threat and bats can (unintentionally) cause nasty damage to your home if they take up residence there. Thank you for consulting a pro rather than immediately killing the bat (I’ve had friends put them in a pillowcase and club them to death…now that’s gross).
[...] Comments « Like a Bat Outta Hell [...]
I have an (ir)rational fear of bats. I watch the nighttime sky when sitting outside in case any are swooping around and when I travel outside the country, I research what critters are native to that area. Without fail, bats love the same places I do (warm, tropical islands) and seem to show themselves on my vacations. I freaking hate bats. We have an old house and get the occasional centipede. I’ve gone to the bathroom in the middle of the light, eyes barely open, and one will take off at warp speed across my bathroom sink. I am thankful every single time that my heart doesn’t go out on me. I can see the headlines now: Leggy Creature Stops Woman’s Heart.
I once woke up with the legs of one smeared all over my T-Shirt. It must have crawled in my bed and I rolled over and crushed it in my sleep (oh hooo hooo…shiver). When my sister and I were growing up, there was always one in her room. That thing LIVED in her bed. Each night, she’d pull back the covers and BAM, the thing would practically pat the spot next to it and invite her to join it in getting a little shut eye. It would take off before she could kill it so the cycle would start again the next night. She claims it was greenish in color and the length of a pencil.
baby garter (or is it gardner??) snakes in the basement of the house the now ex-husband & i lived in. i have no idea how they got there and momma snake was never found. i am DEATHLY afraid of snakes. DEATHLY! it was awful for me. let’s just say i went to the laundromat several times, and had more than one horrifying-bolt-out-of-bed-and-crash-straight-into-the-wall nightmares! =O
Funniest.post.ever. You are very brave…I would have moved out. I have a HUGE fear of any animal that flies. 2 yrs ago my husband and I were sitting in the family room and heard something over the fireplace. When I looked up all I saw was bird poop dripping down the mirror. Never saw the bird. I call the pest control authorities and demanded my house be searched high and low for any evidence of birds…but nothing could be found. It cost $100 for them to tell me my dog probably ate it. That never happened…it remains a mystery. Hope your bat disappears forever!
awwww, poor little bat …. I hope he makes it out okay! but i TOTALLY thought of The Office episode where Dwight was trying to catch the bat that was in the office ….. so friggin funny!!!
[...] we get a bat in the basement, then I get attacked by a [...]
Must have been a bad weekend for bats..something similar happened to me and my boyfriend. Unfortunately it flew right over my head and freaked me out. I was going around outside trying to find a safe place to go in in my Sunday best. About a month later we found it dead in his brother’s closet. Grossest experience ever.