There’s no doubt about it, life with a newborn is hard! Here are 10 tips for new moms to help adjust to life after baby.
As I mentioned a couple weeks ago, I’m partnering with UnityPoint Health, my long-time healthcare provider, on a “Life After Baby” series sharing, you guessed it, my life after baby! So often an overly-rosy picture is painted about postpartum life, and you know I like to keep it real, so I’m excited to have these conversations with you. If for no other reason than to let you know you aren’t alone in your struggles.
Today we’re talking postpartum emotions and mental health because holy smokes, postpartum emotions and mental health. If you’ve been there before than you know it can be a doozy.
Having our babies was the best decision Ben and I ever made but of course it hasn’t always been easy! While baby #2 has been easier than baby #1 – going from 0-1 baby was much harder for us than going from 1-2 – adding another human being into the mix that relies on you for absolutely everything is stressful. Not to mention the responsibility falls into your lap immediately following a traumatic event like childbirth. Yes, childbirth is a beautiful thing, and I’m so glad we went the planned c-section route for Cameron because we could schedule it with my doctor whom I love and adore, but it was certainly no picnic and childbirth can be especially traumatic when it doesn’t go as planned. Which seriously, I’ve met so few women who’ve had their children come into the world “as planned”!
I’ve mentioned that Lincoln’s delivery was traumatic for both Ben and me. We attended multiple birthing classes and read all the books, yet were hardly prepared for what went down in the delivery room in 2013. I had a serious case of the baby blues for several weeks afterwards when my emotions were up and down and up and down (you may remember I cried when Ben suggested we upgrade our Costco membership?!) The worst part was being fully aware of my mood swings but not being able to control them. What can I say other than, hoooormooooones! To top it all off I was walking around with an undiagnosed autoimmune disease which left me feeling sick as a dog, extremely fatigued, and like my head was in the clouds. Needless to say, I was spiraling.
At the time I convinced myself that all new Moms felt the same way. I wasn’t sleeping, eating right, or exercising, so of course I didn’t feel like myself! Routine follow up appointments with my providers at UnityPoint Health, where I truthfully answered postpartum depression screenings, didn’t reveal a problem in that area, but still I knew something was off. With Ben’s support I returned to my doctor’s office determined to get an answer and was eventually diagnosed with Celiac Disease, which was triggered by childbirth. In the months that followed, my body started to heal, the brain fog cleared (mostly – I still struggle with this to be honest,) and my emotional state began to stabilize. That said, it took an entire year to truly feel like myself again.
Postpartum life has been completely different this time around with Cameron – we’ve come a long way in the past month and a half! Having perspective and knowing what to expect has made all the difference. Sure, the two weeks after he was born when I was missing Lincoln like crazy were brutal. Despite having three other people in the house, I felt lonely at times. Eating peanut butter sandwiches for what felt like every meal was less than ideal, and going through it all on little, broken sleep made everything feel ten times harder. But, I knew these feelings were normal and my hormones would eventually (hopefully) even out, which they did. I know this isn’t the case for some women though, so I’m going to touch on clinical postpartum depression in a bit.
All that said, in today’s Life After Baby post I want to share 10 tips that have worked for us in finding our “new normal” after the birth of our second baby, overcoming the baby blues, and what the providers at UnityPoint Health say to look for if you suspect you have clinical postpartum depression. I’m certainly no child-rearing expert but the difference between how things are going this time versus last time is remarkable. I’d love to hear your tips and experiences too, so please chime in in the comments section below!
10 Tips for New Moms
Leave the house. Sure, going out with your newborn can be intimidating, but it’s so important to leave the confines of your home every day. It was either five or six days postpartum with Cameron when I found myself staring at the wall completely spaced out. Then I realized I hadn’t left the house in two days. Even if it’s just a quick trip to the store to get some milk (as a passenger if you haven’t been cleared to drive by your doc!) it’s worth it to be reminded that the world is still turning outside of your little bubble.
Find real Mom friends. We’re talking mom friends who will keep it REAL with you. The ones that tell you they “babysat” their 2 and 3 year old via monitor while working in the other room when you ask how they get things done with 2+ kids at home. The ones that go into gruesome detail about their bout with thrush when you think you might have it (and thankfully didn’t! ??) The ones that confess their infant spends a ton of time in their carseat after telling them your second-born is more familiar with their bouncy chair than the first. Motherhood is stressful – find a tribe of friends you can be vulnerable with.
Work baby into your life. Versus working around baby. I did this backwards with Lincoln, insisting we be home for every nap so he could sleep in his crib, and saying no to social invitations if it meant we wouldn’t be home by 7pm sharp for bedtime. Little did I know that newborns are incredibly resilient, and baby wearing is a very good thing. Life will not end if baby dozes off-schedule while you’re trolling the mall with your toddler or spending time with friends because you need social interaction with adults. Working baby into our daily life vs drastically changing it to over-accommodate baby has been a game changer for me.
Treat yo’self. As parents to newborns we can’t control much, so find something you can control and treat yo’self to it. For me it’s tidying up the house multiple times a day (I know, I know, but seeing a million toys scattered around the living rooms gives me raging anxiety.) Maybe for you it’s starting every morning with a hot cup of coffee. Making sure you shower everyday. Getting a weekly manicure. Napping when the baby naps. Enjoying a little wine and Halo Top after the kids are in bed. Figure out what helps you feel like a whole person then do that as often as possible.
Hand over the reins. I was extremely protective of Lincoln his first year. It took a lot of convincing from Ben to go to the grocery store alone for even 30 minutes! I understand now that it’s healthy for me to occasionally give up control and more importantly, take time for myself. Ok, to be honest I still hate leaving Cameron, and Lincoln for that matter, but we have so many capable, loving people to care for them and I’ve been leaning into that more this time around.
Be a yes (wo)man. Just say yes. You want to bring food over? Yes. You want to come hold my baby while I tackle any of the 500 things on my to do list? Yes. You want to babysit so we can go on a date night? Yes. If you’re offering to help, I’m saying yes. I tried to “do it all” with Lincoln and it was exhausting. These days I accept any and all help that’s offered.
Minimize visitors. This may sound counterintuitive to several points above, but as an extreme introvert I’m emotionally recharged by being alone or with just my immediate family. While it’s important to accept help when you’re in the weeds, especially if you’re feeling overwhelmed with the baby blues, it’s also ok to say no to visitors, or now is not a good time if the stress of “entertaining” is too much. Trust me, people will understand.
Stop worrying. Quit worrying that you’re spoiling your newborn (you’re not,) that they’re not on a schedule (they will be eventually,) that you’ll never sleep again (you will,) and that your house will be a disaster for all eternity (well, actually, it might be…) You’re enough, you’re doing enough, pretty much everything is a phase, and your life WILL feel normal again. Trust me, just roll with it. (source/love)
Ask for help. If feel like something isn’t right or getting better after your baby is born, seek help now – don’t wait! If you suspect you’re experiencing more than the baby blues, which 80% of women experience for up to two weeks postpartum, call your provider. According to the National Institutes of Health, approximately one in eight women suffer from postpartum depression and it can affect any woman regardless of age, race, income, culture or education. Common symptoms include:
- Feelings of worthlessness; excessive guilt
- Loss of pleasure or interest
- Loss of energy, tiredness
- Low (anxious or depressed) mood
- Psychomotor agitation (restlessness, jittery, hand wringing)
- Poor concentration, memory
- Poor appetite
- Sleep disturbance
- Suicidal thoughts (seek help immediately; National Lifeline 1-800-273-TALK)
In my opinion, it’s so unfortunate that the U.S. not only offers shorter maternity leaves than other parts of the world, which has been found to be associated with an increased risk of postpartum depression, but our society can cause feelings of shame if a woman is vocal about experiencing these symptoms. No woman chooses to have postpartum depression and there’s no way to prevent it, either. It happens, and we need to support one another to seek help and TALK ABOUT IT! Last weekend over coffee my friends and I were connecting over the fact that nobody talks about the hard parts of physically having a baby, and what can happen immediately afterwards. It’s so unfortunate.
If you’re experiencing symptoms of postpartum depression, or want to speak to a professional, reach out to your local provider. If you are not 100% sure who to contact, call your local hospital, clinic, or OB-GYN and ask to be directed to support resources regarding postpartum depression. If you live in Iowa, Illinois or Wisconsin, UnityPoint Health provider services are available to help. Visit www.unitypoint.org, select the location you live in, and then click the “Find a Doctor” tab to find a provider near you.
Enjoy it! I recently attended a baby shower for a friend who’s about to become a first time Mom (to twins, no less!) Before we left she said, “I’ve heard all the horror stories about having a newborn – please tell me what I get to look forward to!” Well here it is – their one-of-a-kind scent, the funny faces they make while getting burped, softer skin than you knew existed on the bottoms of their feet, pudgy neck rolls, fuzzy hair after a drying off from a bath, that unforgettable first smile, the feeling of melting into each other in the rocking chair…I could go on and on! It’s cliche but true – the days are long, but the years are short. Enjoy these tough yet precious moments because once they’re gone, they. Are. GONE (sob!)
Photos by the one and only Lindsey Koch, serving the Minneapolis and central Iowa area!
Oh my gosh THANK YOU for not writing a “get them on a schedule so you can get your routine down” post. I am 100% in the camp that babies get on a schedule eventually, they won’t malfunction if they sleep after feedings, and are actually extremely flexible for a while. I say this as my 6 week old second born sleeps on me at 5:30am because he has gas. Is it tough? Yep! But it doesn’t last forever.
With Lincoln I totally tried to force a schedule and all it did was leave me frustrated every day. We follow an “eat, play, sleep” schedule but if it doesn’t happen at the same time everyday at this moment, or if it happens in a 2 vs 3 hour window, what are you going to do?!
this got me right in the feels! i’m due in february and loved reading this. i’m an introvert too and will be limiting guests…i waited a long time to meet my little baby and i want to hold him non-stop those first few weeks, no sharing. sorry not sorry! my husband and i really want to work the baby into our lives and not revolve ours around his nap or eating schedule…i know our lives will change once he’s here, but we’d still like to be able to go to dinner or visit with friends and family.
also, just one question – what baby wrap do you use? i know you’re short like me (i’m only 5′ tho) so i’m wondering if you found the moby and boba wraps had way too much fabric?? i tried out the boba wrap this weekend and it was waaaaaaay too long for me and my short arms to wrap around my tiny torso. i’m stumped.
Hi Julie! I’m not Kristin but I have to say my husband and I had our little guy (now 14 mos) adjust to OUR schedule- to a point- we still went to dinner, etc and now he flirts with everyone around us while we are out to eat. I truly believe he’s better behaved because we did do those things with him. He’s so adaptable. Don’t be afraid!
Also though I’m tall so I can’t help you there.. I love the K’Tan. No crazy wrapping, super user friendly. Congratulations!
We’ve been taking Lincoln to restaurants since he was two weeks old and he does great because it’s a familiar activity to him and he knows what’s expected of him there, so kudos to you guys, Julie! I used a Baby K’tan with Lincoln and am using a Solly Baby Wrap with Cam. K’tan was great and super easy to use. Solly holds baby tighter so it’s good for us now that we’re more active with a toddler. We also have an Ergobaby for more support when hiking, etc!
Hi Julie! I am also just over 5′ and small framed. I used a combination of baby carriers with my first. When we were out and about, I preferred the K’Tan for newborns (much simpler than a wrap because I could put it on sitting down or over the baby if he fell asleep on me), but I preferred the Boba at home for long periods, especially as he got older and heavier. Plus, my husband could use the Boba and not the K’Tan since the K’Tan’s not adjustable. I just wrapped the Boba around my waist extra times (about three) to deal with the extra length but you could also cut it off if that bothered you. Once my child was older, I preferred the Ergo Original and still use him in it at 18 months. I originally planned to get one of the other Ergo models but found that the changes in dimensions between them and the original meant they didn’t adjust down to my small frame. Especially for short people, I would encourage trying on any soft-structured carriers with your baby before buying because many of them don’t adjust well to fit small frames.
That comic is truly the best thing I’ve ever seen! It’s making me cry at my desk this morning. I definitely needed that reminder. Thank you!
RIGHT?! Seriously one of the best messages I have EVER seen in regards to parenting. I feel like every mother needs to see it!
YUP, find real friends. That’s exactly what the wife and I discovered. It’s not like we’ re not open to advice…..we are!!!! But we want people who are real with us….who admit that their kid isn’t perfect and was smiling the first day at the hospital and slept through the night every after. Thanks!
Hahaha, yes! Do you follow Close to Classy on Instagram? Hilarious and relatable stuff: https://www.instagram.com/closetoclassy/
While I can go at length how every one of these resonated me, the “say no to visitors” got an EXTRA BIG YES!!! While it’s so sweet that you have people who wanted to visit the baby, but the PARADE of people ALL. DAMN. DAY with my 1st was too much and I felt like I wasn’t focused on her because I had to focus on guest (usually during those precious few moments you might have gotten to rest.). My second? We let hardly anyone “visit” and it was honestly so gloriously peaceful to JUST focus on US.
Your pictures are also SO BEATUIFUL!!!!
Thank you, Donna!! Lindsey is incredible!
This is so similar to my birthing & postpartum story that I felt like I was back there. Glad to see so much more honesty being shared with women. Being a mom to a newborn is not glamorous and you do have to remind yourself to watch for those good moments, because they’re easy to miss while you’re sleep deprived and likely stinky and hungry and don’t even remember what day or time it is or when you’ve put on clean underwear last…
And I’m with you – seeing clutter in a room makes me so anxious that I can’t sit down. I have to pick it up before I can relax!
Maybe TMI, but SO stinky – I swear it’s the hormones. You can’t wash the scent of yourself off!! ?
Your tips are all good, but #3 (work baby into your life) was the key for me! I just had my third baby earlier this year, and this was something that took me a long time to figure out. I don’t need to be a slave to his nap and feeding schedule. If he naps in a swing at the YMCA childcare so that I can work out, then so be it. Who cares if a feeding happens in my car in a parking lot instead of at home in a rocking chair? He’s happy as long as he’s fed! I feel like I got my sanity back faster this time, and I don’t think it’s a coincidence that he’s also turned into my most easygoing, flexible baby.
I just read that babies can sense their Mom’s frustrations and anxieties, which I can totally see. Probably not a coincidence that Cam is an easy going baby and I’m so much more relaxed this time around!
Well said. I have a 3 year old son and an 8 month old daughter. I wouldn’t change anything as I absolutely adore both of them but it’s tough. I work full time outside the home as well and feel like I’m failing at everything. I decided for a Christmas present to myself to be done pumping by then so I have a few more hours to my day and less stress. I should have enough saved to get her to her first birthday like I did her brother. Sadly, a lot of our stress as moms is self inflicted because we want to do what we feel is best for our children no matter how much it might be killing us even when other options are just as good. Such is the life of being a woman, I guess. Enjoy that sweet baby boy!
You’re so right – we are SO hard on ourselves! Not to generalize the entire male population, but we could really take lessons from them. I don’t think Ben has ever questioned if he’s doing a good job or not – he just knows he’s doing the best he can and that is good enough!
I love your post! I’m a mom to a 25 year old so I’m really living vicariously through you once again. I had postpartum depression and it rocked my entire being. I was always a total “in control” woman who did it all. Way to cover it and let others know that it happens and you need to get help. I don’t understand the stigma of postpartum depression, but your post was on target and I loved reading it. You have such a warm style and those pictures are awesome! Enjoy those boys because you are absolutely right — they grow way too quickly!
Thank you, Tami! And thanks for sharing your experience, too!
YES.
My daughter is nine years old and I still remember all of that vividly. (And to be completely honest, has probably kept me from having another one.) After a very scary delivery and horrible post-partum, I feel you! I knew something wasn’t right with me, but I just didn’t know how to explain it. Glad you are sharing your story to help others! I think we put so much pressure on ourselves and it is HARD. To all the mamas out there: YOU ARE AMAZING and no one is perfect!
Love the pictures of your sweet boys!
Thank you, Sara! I feel so much more at peace this time around, and more confident as a Mom. Not sure what helped me make that mental shift – maybe just finally, truly believing that doing the best you can is good enough!
Thank you so much for this beautiful post! I’m sitting here at work having a good ugly cry over it. My husband and I have a 2 year old and are expecting our second boy in April, so this piece is especially encouraging and truly, TRULY a God-send for me at this moment!! Thank you Kristin!
I’m so glad, Betsy!! You’ll be just fine – wishing you all the best with baby #2! :)
Thank you so much for this post! My first is due the beginning of March. Although I made it through the first two trimesters with little to no anxiety, I am starting to get anxious as I enter the third trimester. I found this post to be extremely helpful, and comforting. Thank you!
Glad to hear it, Maureen! If I could go back and tell myself just one thing over and over and over when Lincoln was a newborn, it’d be “everything is a phase.” You’ll do great!
Very well said Kristin.
Thanks, Debbie. :)
Hi Kristin, Longtime reader, first time comment-er. I am due with my first in February, so nice timing of this post. I am curious about your statements – “Last weekend over coffee my friends and I were connecting over the fact that nobody talks about the hard parts of physically having a baby, and what can happen immediately afterwards. It’s so unfortunate.” I feel my eyes and ears have been “wide open” regarding this, but can you elaborate or do you know of a post/blog that speaks more to it? Thanks!!
I think that’s just an unclear sentence – just meant that I talk to so many women about their birth stories and 75% of the time it includes the statement “nobody ever told me!” Also referring to postpartum depression and how there’s a stigma attached to “admitting” you have a problem and seeking help.
Thank you so much for this post! I’m ,unexpectedly, pregnant with my 2nd and a bit terrified. ? We sound similar in personality so your perspective is very helpful.
You got this, China. The second time around has been so much easier since I know what to expect. I have enjoyed the newborn stage much, much more this time around.
Thank you so much for this post!
You bet, Sara!
This post really resonated with me. I am expecting my second baby in February and I have been so stressed thinking about all the things that went “wrong” the first time. I had the baby blues big time but tried to hide it from everyone. I’d cry in the shower or say I had to use the bathroom just to go sob for a minute. I didn’t leave the house for over a month and looking back I wish I had joined a new mother’s group so that I could talk through these feelings with people. I had issues nursing and even spent my birthday in a lactation consultant’s office. My in-laws were so overwhelming they had me hosting a party a week home from the hospital and left my house a total mess! Why didn’t I say no? I was too hormonal and sleep deprived to think clearly. I don’t mean to go on and on about my problems, I just say all this to say that this list would have changed everything for me had I read it before my first was born. This is the best list of postpartum tips I have ever come across.
Don’t feel bad, Kendra – there are just so many unknowns with your first baby. How in the world can you plan and prepare for an experience that you know nothing about? I hope you have more peace this next time around!
Excellent advice I will be passing along to my daughter who is expecting our first granchild early next summer!
So exciting!! Enjoy that grandchild – I’m sure they won’t be spoiled whatsoever! ;)
I have quietly followed your blog for years. Even after you were diagnosed with Celiac, my husband & I continued to enjoy many of your recipes. Then this past year when *I* was diagnosed with Celiac, I had your blog to remind me that being gluten free does NOT mean giving up every delicious food in the world (even if it does feel like it sometimes).
My first (but hopefully not last!) baby girl is almost 4 months old now, and I am so excited to read more from you on this topic. It has been a rough few months for us – I am seeing a therapist for postpartum anxiety – but we are getting through it and slowly getting back to normal. I know that we don’t really know each other, but it is so helpful to hear stories of similar struggles from a familiar voice. I’m looking forward to more!
You’re kidding – that’s crazy! They say just 1-2% of the population has diagnosed CD, so truly that is a wild coincidence. At any rate, I know what you mean, and I’m glad I can help just a little bit. ;) Amazing that you’re seeking help – you are a wonderful example for new moms. Thank you for sharing your story and shoot me an email if you ever need to chat CD or babies!
Kristin, great post! I, too, did not anticipate what postpartum would bring and just assumed how I felt was how all mothers felt. It’s not an easy transition, and I never dreamed that my feelings would be something I couldn’t control. Having other moms share their experiences with baby blues or PPD is powerful for those also struggling. If I could, with my first, I would have asked for help more and been more honest with what I was battling with PPD. Instead, I lived with uncontrollable anxiety and had a very hard time enjoying and bonding with my baby! With my second child, things were completely different. I was quite anxious about going through the same fog, but prayer and having more perspective about the bigger picture helped. You will reach so many people sharing your perspective through those hard days, too. Great post!
I’m so glad you shared your perspective on this! We’re hoping to start trying for baby #2 pretty soon and it’s scary! I love how laid back you are.
You nailed it once again, Kristin! 8 weeks postpartum with my first baby girl–who arrived nearly 4 weeks early and less than an hour from when we arrived at the hospital and I truly accepted that I was in labor– and I absolutely experienced all of the thoughts you mentioned above. About a week in, I was so incredibly exhausted and stressed and my house was a disaster, I remember crying and saying aloud, “what have I done? My life is never going to be the same.” And while it is true, the tone is totally different now than it was then. The one thing I would add is something someone told me in the early isolating, lonely days– your baby will smile at you the first time at the moment you need it most, and I think it’s true. These tiny people are so amazing and the second they start revealing their personality it all starts to make sense.
Thank you so much for these great reminders! I have a 7 week old too, and your advice is so timely.
Its like you’re taking the words right out of my mouth! How very true all of your points are. I’m about to have my second on Friday via c section and the biggest thing I keep telling myself is let go of the pride and ask for help!
Thank you for posting this blog and being real like you always are. I appreciate the truth and it couldn’t have come at more of a perfect time for me!
Congrats on your beautiful family and two handsome boys! I’ve also got a little boy a few months younger than Lincoln and will be welcoming a baby girl this time around. Looking forward to more posts like this but also more awesome recipes!
Hi Kristin, been following your blog for years. Thank you so much for this post. This information is so vital for new moms, and I love that you gave resources – kudos to you!
Thank you for sharing your story, Kristin. I was hoping you would also have touched on Postpartum Anxiety. After my second was born (almost a year old now), I struggled with Postpartum Anxiety, which wasn’t at all what I thought anxiety looked like. I wasn’t panicked or worried, I was very easily irritated, about almost anything. It took me a few months before I even realized what was going on. My doctor explained that Postpartum Anxiety is even more common than Postpartum Depression. I appreciate your honest discussion about the realities of being a mom. It is wonderful and amazing, but definitely has more challenges than most of us expect.
YES to all of this! Schedules go out the window with more than one kid. And getting out of the house is a must for me – even if it means I have to schlep all 3 boys plus winter gear because mama’s gotta get out!
And mama friends – oh, yes. Especially those mamas who are maybe a year or two ahead of you in the parenting game. They give perspective and help you realize you will make it!
You are so right about the schedule. My baby is 34 and I now have grandbabies, which are even better! But I passed that bit of wisdom on to my kids when they had kids.
Hi Kristin, I am 4 mo pregnant with our first but this post was so refreshing to read! There are so many blog posts/articles out there about how you “should” be raising a newborn that it’s already overwhelming. It’s so nice to hear that not having a strict schedule in the first weeks is OK and that I am not crazy in already telling my husband I do not want visitors for awhile. Thanks so much for your honesty! I hope you and your family and a Merry Christmas :)
This is the best postpartum post I have ever read. You put exactly what I went through into words. Thank you. Also, you gave me courage to one day have a second :) P.S. I have celiac disease too so thank you for your gluten free friendly posts. Also, I still experience brain fog. We in it together. <3
Congrats on baby 2. I had baby 1 a few weeks before you did and then baby 2 a year later and am now due in January with baby 3. Haven’t had much time to keep up with your blog but I saw this today from your email newsletter and wanted to comment. I found that placenta encapsulation was really helpful after giving birth (naturally with no epidural). It’s finally gone mainstream now and if you’re lucky enough to live in a big city that has that option through an herbalist or other holistic medicine practitioner, you should consider it. Millions of women around the world, in less developed countries do not suffer as much ppd, because of this natural method. I highly recommend it.
So helpful! It’s so good to reaffirm one is not alone in the postpartum/ motherhood journey …which you know in your mind, but sometimes it doesn’t connect on the gut level…like this post DOES. Thanks